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Dan the Man's Movie Reviews

All my aimless thoughts, ideas, and ramblings, all packed into one site!

Cobra (1986)


Oh god Stallone!

Marion Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone), a grizzly, loose-cannon cop, is on the trail of a dangerous serial killer who calls himself the “Night Slasher” (Brian Thompson). Now, Cobra not only has to catch the bad guy, he also has to protect the one woman (Brigitte Nielsen) who knows the killer’s identity. The body count rises as Cobra takes on an evil cult — and liberally doles out justice.

So when I thought this movie was actually going to be OK, I took a look at the poster and knew I was in for a world of hurt.

I mean honestly, just look at that quote. Tell me you cannot say,”Crime is a disease. Meet the cure”, is not the most cheesiest tag line you have ever seen. To be truly honest out of this whole movie that is probably the best line. You think I’m lying, but I can assure you this, I’m not.

The whole script was meant to be centered towards a comedy feel, with a lot of action. That would have been a good idea, but instead the film goes a serious tone with plenty of action to satisfy.

This film wasn’t meant to be a comedy, but to me, it turned out to be one of the funniest movies of all-time, un-intentionally that is.  The lines in this film are downright the worst but at the same time funniest lines I have ever heard. When we get to see these characters for who they really are, it is downright laughable, but mostly just unbearable.

Almost everything about this whole film is cheesy. The lines, the music is downright terrible with those 80′s Miami Vice themes coming in, and even the villains. I didn’t find these villains at all harmful, and also very misplaced. I felt like all their creepy-ass acting and deliverance of lines weren’t really meant for an action thriller like this, and really made this film even more comical.

The one good thing about this film that I will give it, is that the action is very respectable. There are just some scenes that look pretty good and are actually exciting rather than the same old stuff happening.

Sly Stallone really needs to remove his name from the credit’s on this one forever. This is some bad material he is given but also some of the worst acting I have ever seen from him in my life. His character is basically one-dimensional and not at all interesting. When he tries to give us little speeches on who we are, I couldn’t help but think maybe if he didn’t act like The Hulk throughout the whole film his character would have been the least mildly interesting.

Consensus: Though with some good action, Cobra is down-right terrible with some of the cheesiest lines you will ever hear, horrible 80′s music, and most of all some pretty terrible acting courtesy of Good Ole Sly, himself.

2/10=SomeOleBullShiitt!!!!

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4 responses to “Cobra (1986)

  1. Dan December 16, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    “Crime is a desease. Meet the cure” – I like it! This is actually one of the better downbeat police action movies of the 1980s. There’s no room for the funny side of the buddy-buddy police teams (ala Beverly Hills Cop, Police Academy), this is down and dirty, violent, and features plenty of action. Yes, it’s nothing ‘special’ but as a vehicle for Sly Stallone to fire a lot of guns at rather nasty villains, it’s a fine entry in the genre. Brian Thompson’s pretty good as the main baddie – he sure looks the part! Interestingly, this is the film Stallone wanted to make when he signed onto Beverly Hills Cop. When the filmmakers didn’t want to lose the comedy element, he left the project, creating Cobra as a project for himself.

  2. cmrok93 December 16, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    I mean idk what to say about this film, as that it just really wasn’t anything other than in your face action, that was OK at points.

  3. Ty February 1, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    “Go ahead…I don’t shop here!” The movie is classic 80s cheese! Just like Stone Cold.

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