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Dan the Man's Movie Reviews

All my aimless thoughts, ideas, and ramblings, all packed into one site!

House of the Dead (2003)


WTF!!???!

On an island off the coast of Florida, a college rave party is in full swing. But the kids’ X-laced escapades are soon interrupted by zombies and monsters that attack them on the ground, from the air and in the sea. Seems the freaks are ruled by an ancient ghoul named Castillo, who once upon a time searched for a fountain of youth and eventually found it — but at a hideous price.

I freakin’ loved the House of the Dead video games. That shoot-em-up style, mixed with the creepy atmosphere, and even better story line, it was just my child hood wrapped in game. So when somebody comes around and tries to make a mockery of it, ohhhh, you know I’m gonna be pissed!

OK, Uwe Boll, is a bad director, I get it! But this right here, is just terrible! I mean it didn’t even look like this guy was trying to make a good movie, or even a movie for that matter. It starts off slow as crap making me already want to kill myself, by the incredibly cliched script, where the teens are off on some shady island for a rave, which is supposed to be a tropical island, when the water is like brown. Then the film moves to the zombies, or in this case, “dead”, and lets just say the laughter comes right in.

These are single-handedly the worst looking zombies, I have ever seen in a film. At least, Night of the Living Dead’s ones, were at least acting like zombies, these ones just moved around like normal people, and didn’t even like bite people, just moved around, and were totally conscious about what they were doing.

But I was just mainly pissed, cause in all honesty, this could have been a great film, if they just stuck with the original story-line, or something of that nature. I mean the way Boll makes the action in this movie is nothing like the video game. He does stupid slow-mo shots, that had nothing to do with the game, and what’s even worse is how he randomly shows shots of action from the game, like he wants us to know that this is House of the Dead were talking about.

Consensus: Terrible, cliched, horribly written, and directed. That’s all I have to say.

0/10=SomeOleBullShitt!!!

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11 responses to “House of the Dead (2003)

  1. Kevin Blumeyer June 13, 2010 at 6:26 am

    This is the absolute worst movie I’ve ever seen.

    My favorite line:

    Rudy: “You did all this to become immortal. Why?”
    Castillo: “To live forever!”

  2. Kevin Blumeyer June 13, 2010 at 6:33 am

    By the way, I’m on to you. A lot of the movies you review on here are of the “On Demand Free Movies” variety. You should seriously consider changing the name of your blog to something like this:

    “World’s Cheapest Film Reviewer”

    or

    “Dan The Man: The film buff without a financial investment.”

    I hope you don’t take this seriously… I’m just bored and avoiding going to sleep.

  3. Silver Emulsion June 13, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    There’s actually game footage intercut with the film? That’s hilarious!

  4. Dan June 13, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Well done for getting through this Dan. Thanks for the review (warning!).

  5. Klaus June 13, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    Great review of one of the worst zombie genre movies ever. What a mess of a film!

  6. Pingback: Happy Halloween! « Dan The Man's Movie Reviews

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