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Dan the Man's Movie Reviews

All my aimless thoughts, ideas, and ramblings, all packed into one site!

Cosmopolis (2012)


Join Team Edward. You’ll get all coke, sex, and parties you want.

Set during a 24-hour period, Cosmopolis stars Robert Pattinson as Eric Packer, a 28-year-old newlywed billionaire who manages to lose both his fortune and bride in the span of one short day. He starts by doing one bad thing and keeps going on to the next;  and you know what happens in the end? Nobody cares because he’s a little rich piece of shit.

This was a film I really wanted to like. It really was. Writer/director David Cronenberg hasn’t always been one of my favorites per se, but he’s got this unique vision when it comes to making his movies: his own ways, and I could at least respect that about him. That is, until now.

When I think about this film and what really pissed me off throughout it, I think about Cronenberg and how he easily could have made this one, crazy, effed-up wild-ride from start-to-finish. Problem is, it’s just as much the trailers’ fault as it is his. All of the teasers and trailers have been promoting this Cronenberg’s big return-t0-horror film, where R-Pat is going around, shooting guns, doing drugs, being a total a-hole, and effin’ ladies in the limo. But it’s not that at all! Instead, it’s just him going around and talking to people about absolutely nothing! Actually, I shouldn’t say that because they do actually have some conversations about the state of the world and where it’s going, but never did I feel compelled, never was I on-the-edge guessing what was going to happen next, and never was I thinking to myself, “Oh shit! All hell is about to break loose up in this bitch!”. Nope — instead I just kept dozing off and wondering when the hell it was finally going to fade to black.

That’s what really bothered me about this film: the non-stop talking. All these characters do is talk, talk, talk and that would have been fine had the script been a bit more Quentin Tarantino-, Aaron Sorkin-, or even Martin Scorsese-esque. But Cronenberg doesn’t add anything new or engaging to this script to fully keep me involved when everybody is just blubbering on about God knows what. It’s just way too dull and pretentious to keep me even somewhat intrigued. It makes me wonder if Don DeLillo’s novel was one of those situations where it looked good on paper, but when it came to be being brought-up on film, just didn’t fit. And since that’s what it seems here, it’s a real bummer because a lot of the material seems thought-provoking and very relevant if you think about how a lot of it is about the rich getting richer, and the poor getting poorer while encasing riots everywhere they go. Could have been so much more interesting if there was just something here to keep it going and alive.

One of the most intriguing aspects about this film that caught my eye way before I even saw a trailer for it, was the fact that Robert Pattinson was in the leading role as numb billionaire, Eric Parker. I’ll give Pattinson some slack, the kid definitely seems like he can act and actually has some skill to him, but he keeps on getting bogged down by shitty movie, after shitty movie and I thought that this was going to be his one light at the end of the tunnel. How wrong I was.

See, what Pattinson does here is exactly what he’s been accused of before: being way too dull. Eric Parker seems like one of those great characters that just wreaks of sleaze, where he doesn’t give a shit what happens to him, when it happens to him, and how, he just wants to live up his life with sex, booze, and money. That’s your typical rich dick-head that can sometimes make or break a movie depending on who’s playing them; I think it goes without saying that he breaks the hell out of this movie, in a bad way of course. I get that Parker was supposed to be a numb character that didn’t feel any sort of excitement until society has finally started crackling down into ashes, but Pattinson’s performance doesn’t bring anything else but that and by the end, it starts to feel one-note. So one-note, that even when his character starts to seem like he’s actually gaining some sort of edge towards the end, you can’t really feel it because he’s got the same type of delivery with each and every line. It was almost like Cronenberg told him to go out there and act like you’re in a zombie movie, but to be the zombie that can talk. Seriously, he’s that lifeless, which, in a way, could be the point, but it still didn’t work for me. I think this will stand as the moment where I realized that Pattinson may not have any talent at all, and is just that piece of brooding little shit that all of the dudes hate, and the girls love. Maybe that’s why K-Stew is getting so bored of him now. Heyyoh!

What’s even worse about his performance, is that when anybody else from this ensemble shows up on-screen, you barely even pay attention to him as everybody here gives it there all. The problem here is the same one that I had with Pattinson: so damn dull and lifeless. Each and every performance seems like they are just another annoying character that barely has any emotions whatsoever, and almost every supporting performance doesn’t last for more than 8 minutes on-screen. So really what you have here is a dull Robert Pattinson, running around the streets of New York (obviously filmed in Toronto), meeting up with even duller people, and at the end of it all, you’re supposed to look at the world we live in and realize something that CNN has been telling us for the past year: the economy is going way, way down-hill. Thanks Cronenberg! I really needed to wake-up and smell the cauliflower on that one!

Consensus: Cosmopolis may be a very thought-provoking and smart thing to read on-paper, but being adapted into a feature film just doesn’t cut it because of the dull performances from everybody involved, the uninteresting direction that Cronenberg goes for and succeeds in, sadly, and the ideas and insight into the world we live in that seem very current, but just don’t bring anything new to what we have already heard before.

2/10=Crapola!!

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18 responses to “Cosmopolis (2012)

  1. Erik August 24, 2012 at 6:20 am

    it was such a disappointment. i don’t have any problems with the performances in general but this film should have never been made. there are some books that don’t really work on screen and it is one of them. as i said on my blog: for me it is just a 2 hour long mental masturbation. :)

  2. Mark Walker August 24, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Sorry to hear this Dan. I was looking forward to it but thanks for the heads up. I’ll still check it out but I won’t expect much. Good review my man.

  3. colincarman August 24, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Can’t wait to see this esp after the good reviews elsewhere. Tell us where the prostate exam factors in? Oh boy

  4. Stephanie August 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Great review! And you definitely confirmed my decision to miss this movie. Why would Cronenberg make a movie like this when he can make an interesting, original film like Spider? It’s baffling.

    BTW, the first paragraph of your review cracked me up. :-)

  5. dirtywithclass August 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    I’ve heard mixed things about this, so i am still curious about this one. With that said, i think somebody should be able to make a great movie based off the economic crisis and the feelings it created

  6. reel411 August 24, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    ugh. thank you for saving me from this one.

  7. deerinthexenonarclights August 25, 2012 at 5:59 am

    While I can completely understand why you would dislike this movie I kind of dug it in a weird way, though I think the fact that I was running a fever and riding a flu-drug high at the time kind of helped. It’s very flat, detached and flawed but fascinating at the same time.

    I will say though that Pattinson’s performance was much better than you gave it credit for; everything you thought about it was exactly what him and David wanted to evoke, the cool, clinical and uncaring distance. Then there are the times that he breaks and turns into a Michael Shannon-lite, I really liked those. Won’t see me ever watching a Twilight movie though.

  8. wordschat August 27, 2012 at 11:56 pm

    Yep the Cronenberg pedigree is enough to save this dog.

  9. wordschat August 27, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    Er isn’t enough, my bad typo

  10. Alex Withrow August 28, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Like you said yesterday on my site, I’m really glad we agree on this one. A goddamn mess of a film if there ever was one. Ugh, hated it.

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