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Dan the Man's Movie Reviews

All my aimless thoughts, ideas, and ramblings, all packed into one site!

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)


Wait till the Gingerbread Man comes around. There gon’ be some hell to pay.

Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton play the titular characters, who fifteen years after their gingerbread house incident, have turned into ruthless witch hunters. However, they run into a problem when an evil and powerful witch (played by Famke Janssen), finds her way into the town, taking all of the children, and bring back old memories that the two thought they had stored-away for years. Always count on Jean Grey to throw everybody a curve ball.

The fact that the trailers blew, was barely screened for any critics, and was actually supposed to come-out last year, I knew that there was going to be nothing all that amazing or great for me to watch, but then again, it’s January so what is? However, after seeing the train-wreck that was Movie 43, not too long before this, I thought to myself, “Nothing could be as bad as that. Nothing.” Thankfully, this movie didn’t prove me wrong but at the same time, still didn’t do much for me, either. Once again, just another lame-o day at the movies, people. Thankfully, the month of January is just about over. Woo-wee!

This was one of those films that I saw very recently that left me feeling very, very strange. I remember watching the movie, having an okay time, not hating myself for watching it, and not really caring what was going on with the movie. However, as soon as the credits rolled, I was out of there as quick as a banshee, got right into my car, drove home, jammed-out to some Nas (total white boy stuff), got home, sat-down, got ready to write this review, and yet: I couldn’t think of a single, damn thing I liked about it but also, couldn’t think of a single, damn thing I didn’t like about either. That may all sound very odd and strange to you all, but this movie did nothing to my mind, to my mood, or to my movie-viewing. It was literally there for me to kill time, have a watch at the movies, eat some popcorn (extra butter, too), drink some soda (Sprite to be exact), and enjoy myself, all while doing so. Maybe it’s weird because I feel more like a movie-audience member than I actually did a movie-critic, but the fact of the matter remains: nothing really happened to me while watching this movie.

Dude, just go back to disarming bombs.

Dude, just go back to disarming bombs or something.

Despite this strange problem that occurred to me after the movie, I still do recall having a nice-amount of fun with this movie, and not just in the, I’m-trying-to-get-over-a-really-really-bad-movie-I-just-saw-way, either. I actually enjoyed myself with this movie and I think that it’s because of the R-rating that allowed for itself to go the limits that it oh so rightfully needed. Because of the R-rating, we get more action, more gore, more nudity, more language, and more limbs and parts of the body, just flying-around. There’s a real, unadulterated sense-of-joy to this movie that is definitely contagious as you may find yourself paying more and more attention to the action and all of the other crazy shenanigans  more than what really matters like plot, direction, characters, and script. The reason why it’s important you don’t pay attention to those elements, is because they sort of suck here in this movie.

Saying that everything in this movie, other than the action, just “sucks”, doesn’t seem right but it also seems suitable. The action may be able to keep you distracted for a little bit of time, but when it all goes away and you have to actually get involved with these characters, their tensions, their traits, and the story that they have to them: then the film starts to lose credibility, or any that it had going for itself in the first-place. The dialogue isn’t even that shitty, it’s just bland and dull, and makes me feel like if I was flashed $5,000 in front-of my face, I could have written it too. I probably wouldn’t have as been as witty to include the several F-bombs here and there, but still, it’s the type of script that features little to nothing new or refreshing you haven’t seen or heard done before. It’s just there to serve the action, the story, and the actors. And oh dear: the poor actors.

By saying, “the poor actors”, I don’t actually mean “poor” in the sense that they don’t have a dime to spend because I’m pretty sure that they are well-off wherever they may be residing now, but more or less that they are “poor”, because as much fun and delight as they may be having; it never fully comes onto us in-return. Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner are fine as Hansel and Gretel and definitely seem like they have a nice bro-sis chemistry that shines throughout the whole movie, but also feel like they deserve a whole lot more to their names. Maybe more to Renner, than to Arterton, but none the less, both deserve better scripts and better characters to work with and no matter how much charm they may bring to these characters, Hansel and Gretel still never feel like they have the type of personalities that win you over from the start. Other than some subplot about how their parents really died, we don’t get to know too much about them, what makes them tick, and who they really are, enough for us to feel like we know them and can totally root them on. They’re just the type of superheros that are there to kill witches, walk around from town-to-town, and say the F-word, whenever they feel is necessary. Well, them and the two-bit script.

If that was my sister, I'm sorry, but I would be tempted.

If that was my sister, I’m sorry, but I would be tempted.

Two, other actors that are here as villains that seem to be having fun are Peter Stormare and Famke Janssen, who are both character-actors that know what to do, how to do it, and make it look good. They both seem like they are having just as much fun as Arterton and Renner are, on the opposite-sides of the spectrum, but still never really pop-off the screen. Instead, they are just there to serve the plot, to show how bad and evil certain characters can be, and most of all, just chew scenery like nobody’s business. If that’s all they were called on for to do, then hey; good for them. But when it comes to giving me villains/characters I’m going to remember next month, or hell, in the next 10 minutes; nope, can’t say I’ll recall much. I guess that last statement could sort of be used to described this whole, damn movie. Oh well. It’s January.

Consensus: For an-hour-and-a-half movie, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters never seems to slow-down, nor does it ever really seem to bore the piss out of a person, but it doesn’t offer anything new, flashy, or memorable to the action-genre and will probably leave your brain, as quickly as the extra large soda of Coke (or in my case, Sprite) leaves your body.

5 / 10 = Rental!!

I'd still tap. Hey, come on! It's Famke Janssen!

Yup, still tempted.

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17 responses to “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

  1. keith7198 January 29, 2013 at 5:52 am

    You know, I like Renner and all but this flick isn’t clicking with me at all. I’ll be doing a double feature at the theater tomorrow but this probably won’t be one of them.

  2. Ipodman January 29, 2013 at 6:30 am

    That is a scary picture of Jean Grey, is that actually from the movie? o.O

  3. Chris January 29, 2013 at 8:28 am

    I can actually see where you’re coming from with the “didn’t quite do much for me”. I enjoyed myself well enough, but it wasn’t quite the level of dumb fun action that I was hoping for. And you pretty much nailed it with how quickly this movie will leave you. Almost immediately after writing up my own review, I pretty much instantly forgot I even saw this movie. Still, fun while it lasted at least I suppose. Nice review, Dan, and check mine out if you get a chance! :)

  4. Teddy Casimir January 29, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    I didn’t like this, which I actually expected. Love your review. I pretty much laughed out loud irl at “total white boy stuff” and the fact that you drew a blank.

  5. Tom January 29, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    as far as ‘dumb fun’ goes, which do you think you get more bang for your buck for — this film or The Last Stand?? Nice review

  6. LM Preston January 29, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    I enjoyed it, even as quirky as it was.

  7. filmhipster January 29, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Even the trailer turned me off of this. Nice review!

  8. Fogs' Movie Reviews January 29, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Youre right. Completely disposable, forgettable action film. I certainly enjoyed it enough for what it was though. Nice review Dan!

  9. Jaina January 29, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    Sounds like the sort of film I’d enjoy. But probably won’t bother paying cinema ticket price for it. Nothing wrong with a bit of fairytale action and this looks like it’ll be a laugh. Gory laugh. But will give it a watch on the small screen I think

  10. The Focused Filmographer January 30, 2013 at 3:10 am

    Good review here Dan. I had fun with this one. You’re right, nothing really stands out from it, except for Gemma herself!

    I watched it, had a little bit of fun, didn’t think about it much after. Much like you.

    and now I want a Sprite. Thanks for that product placement there bud! haha

  11. ianthecool January 30, 2013 at 3:32 am

    Was Arterton really keeping up with Renner? I’ve only seen her in clash of the titans and quantum of solace, but she was brutal in both.

  12. tomhodgsonuk January 30, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    Hmmm, I was in two minds whether or not to see this film. I think you’ve just convinced me not to!

    Great analysis

    Tom

    http://www.dharmajunk.com

  13. Mike Scott February 12, 2013 at 3:59 am

    It’s pretty dire. I held out some hope but they were dashed pretty early on. Not as much fun as it could have been (or as they think it is – are they really gearing up for a sequel?!?!)

  14. notbadforagirl March 2, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    Although I fall pretty firmly on the “hated it” side of the fence, I really enjoyed reading your review. Cool blog you got here :)

  15. Pingback: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters Review: Whedonites Assemble! | Rorschach Reviews

  16. Movie Critix May 15, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Wirkola is going to start a new ‘Cult’ and we will call it – ‘Disappointing fun!’ Hansel & Gretel get 6 from my side… Nice review Dan!

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