Watchmen (2009)

I just cannot get enough of blue schlongs!

Zack Snyder directs this adaptation of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’s graphic novel set in a parallel Earth in 1985, where superheroes are prohibited from using their powers despite the threat of nuclear war. When one of their number is murdered, however, the outlaw heroes — including Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup), Silk Spectre (Carla Gugino), Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley) and Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson) — unite to defend themselves.

So after seeing this movie the first night it came out, I really did like it, but this didn’t fully satisfy me. So I took it upon myself to read the graphic novel this is based on, and I’m so glad I made that decision.

This is a film that everybody said was un-filmable, due to the graphic novel being so dark, different, and so disturbing, some felt that this could never make into the mainstream. However, Zack Snyder proved everybody wrong, and in all honesty does a very good job at doing so. He uses a lot of slick production values, to have all the outfits fit the certain time, and convey a certain emotion. He also stays true to the graphic novel and keeps this film dark, but not without getting rid of mainstream viewers.

The main problem with this film is that although it does stay somewhat true to the original source material, there were many faults about it. First of all, it can be viewed at as way too slow. There were moments in this film, where they just kept hammering away at one scene, and I was just waiting and waiting for the next scene. Secondly, there are way too many stories with this film. In the novel, a lot was going on, but it was handled so nice and carefully. However, in this film it was handled in such a messy way, that it didn’t quite know how else to put it up on film, so they just felt like knocking it on screen when they felt like it. Lastly, this film can get ridiculous.

In the novel, Dr. Manhattan’s “man-part”, is a little nub that catches out eyes every once and awhile, but in the film, it’s this huge, dangling thing, which in a way hurts the movie. Almost every scene he’s in, your watching that thing, and it takes away from the seriousness of the film, and makes it almost comical, seeing a big blue wang. I did like the soundtrack though, cause it fit a lot of the moments, but there was one un-needed sex scene, played to “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. It was really random, and the way the sex scene looks, just really makes me laugh thinking about it.

Though despite all these little problems I still did fairly enjoy myself. The film was long enough to fully cover the whole story, and that at least kept me happy. Also, knowing that this was a Snyder film, I was expecting plenty, and plenty of slow-mo. And that’s exactly what I got. It wasn’t bad, because it did fit well with a lot of the action, and the violence is bloody, gratuitous, and altogether a lot of fun to watch.

I liked a lot of the performances in this film, from a fairly unknown ensemble. Patrick Wilson is good here as Nite Owl, cause he plays a guy that wants to do something with his life again, but doesn’t have the right emotion, and Wilson plays it all well. Jeffrey Dean Morgan as The Comedian, brings a lot to the film, considering he is the main reason for this film. Billy Crudup here as Dr. Manhattan isn’t really playing this film, more as a voice. But his voice matches the overall feeling, and tone that Doc has. Matthew Goode reminded me of a Jude Law in this role, and he does good at playing this stuck-up asshole. Malin Akerman is the weakest part of this film, and doesn’t bring much to this film which sucks, cause a lot of emotional scenes are placed on here. The best story, and performance here is from Jackie Earle Haley, who plays the iconic Rorshach. He’s funny, dark, and could kick your ass in any second, and I just loved watching him on screen every time.

Consensus: A hard piece to adapt in the first place, Watchmen provides a lot of action, good performances, and pretty cinematography to hold you over, it just may not be the most enjoyable 2 hours and 40 minutes of your life.



  1. I admit, the way they just paraded that enormous blue cock around the film like it was some sort of subtextual extension of Dr Manhattan’s increasing departure from his humanity (by exposing the most human part of himself for all and sundry to evaluate) was, frankly, an enormous wank. Surely a pair of blue briefs to hide his modesty would have made for less obvious shock value by Mr Snyder.
    Still, I think it’s an awesome film, giant blue cock and all.

  2. This was filmed here in Vancouver and some friends were background performers so I was bullied into going to see this at the theatre. Didn’t really seem like something that would appeal to me, but I was pleasantly surprised. There was even a bit of nasty violence for me to appreciate. A fairly high percentage of the horror films I watch contain nudity but of course its all bush, tits and ass, so when the elusive cock shows up I say Bravo!

  3. i like when night owl snaps that guy’s arm in half and you see his bone. i like when you see manhattan’s bone too (get it???)

  4. Okay, so I really liked this movie. Thought it was one of the better superhero movies of the last twenty years. But now, every time I watch it, I’m going to be focused on that big, blue trouser-snake. I may need therapy. 😉

    Great review!

  5. Dan, righteous blog you’ve got here. Been reading it the past week.

    As for Watchmen, I didn’t walk into the movie theater expecting some witty action movie like Iron Man, or some grand crime saga like The Dark Knight. I had read the graphic novel, and hoped that Snyder wouldn’t fumble the ball, irrespective of how the film looked in the trailers. But alas, the movie completely blew it.

    First of all, the graphic novel was a satire. It exposed the superhero mythology.That is why it was revolutionary and mind-blowing. Yet, Snyder took the material seriously, and ended up making the very story that Alan Moore satirized. Snyder lacked the proper depth and understanding of the material to handle its subtlety correctly. At times, the film gets the graphic novel just right… but only sometimes. The minute the Comedian is murdered, you knew Snyder fumbled the ball. The choreography was excellent, but the sound effects were essentially Saturday Morning cartoon quality.

    Alan Moore had the advantage of writing in 1986 where the majority of comics were cheesy filler mainly addressed to children, and he wrote an ultra-realistic and gritty version of the superheroes for us adults. In his version history is dramatically different, because there’s NO way such superheroes could exist in the USA and not impact our history. Moreover, in order to be a superhero, you couldn’t be an average joe mentally wise. You have to have a litany of psychological tweaks.

    Snyder’s background is in flashy car commercials. This reeks in every single of his films. I went in hoping for at least Clint Eastwood’s Unforgiven, a satire of the western genre, and walked out with a bad flashback to the campy Batman show from the 1960s.

  6. Haven’t seen this movie yet (although it’s on my “to watch and review” list) but I have happened to see the “Hallelujah” sex scene online – I thought it was hot, but the music and weird, dark tone was a bit distracting lol. Good review, Dan!

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