A Haunted House (2013)

Please let the ghost prevail in the end. Please.

A young couple, Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) and Keisha (Essence Atkins), have recently settled into what they believe is their dream house but all of a sudden figure out that there is a ghostly/paranormal presence around and they try and figure out what to do next with it. Hi-jinx and shenanigans ensue, as you could assume.

I don’t think the plot-synopsis up above even deserves to be there as I could probably describe this movie to you in three words and you’ll most likely make up your mind as to whether or not you want to see it; fart, sex, race. If that is your type of lowbrow humor, then hey, this is your bag, baby, but if it’s not and you like a little more jazz for your material, then you may not want to even bother checking out this bag, baby. Seriously, baby, just don’t!

To be honest, I’m no square when it comes to my comedy. I don’t mind if they’re stupid and just like to throw the dirty jokes at the wall, and see what sticks, just as long as it’s funny. This movie has those same, exact elements but yet, just isn’t funny. I will admit, there were probably five times (that’s one hand) that I actually chuckled during this movie, but other than those times, the rest of the hour-and-thirty-six-minute movie just felt like pure torture while everybody else around me laughed, heckled, and practically pissed their pants. Hey, I guess that’s just the life of a movie critic. It’s the road I chose and it’s the road I have to deal with, and that’s why watching movies like these definitely make me re-think that road, sometimes.

Actually, I wouldn’t even go that far but I will say that this movie is just not funny. Any time it seems like Marlon Wayans has a chance to be smart or witty with his jokes about how generic the horror-genre can get, he drops the ball and replaces those jokes with another fart-noise or scene of somebody having intense, crazy sex. The horror genre definitely got a nice refresher last year with Cabin in the Woods, and it would have been nice to see another hit at that same genre, from a guy who was one of the first to really hit it hard (Scary Movie), but Wayans and director Michael Tiddes aren’t too concerned with that. They just want to be lowbrow, for the sake of being lowbrow and not realizing that if a joke doesn’t work the first time, then by God all means, it most likely won’t work for the seventh or eighth time.

I don't think anybody told him that getting in bed with a Wayan, won't and hasn't been able to help your career out since 2000. And that's pushing it.
I don’t think anybody told him that getting in bed with a Wayan, won’t and hasn’t been able to help your career out since 2000. And that’s pushing it.

Take this for instance, the other characters in this movie that just show-up, act and make total asses of themselves, and leave. Nick Swardson is a guy I always find funny in all things that he does (Bucky Larson doesn’t count, Bucky Larson should never count) and here, it seems like he would have a scene-stealing role as the gay psychic who constantly hits on Wayans and tries to get him to turn to the gay-side. However, as soon as the guy shows up on-screen and continues to ask him if he’s ever been with another man, it just continues on and on and on, almost until the movie never feels like it’s going to end with the non-stop gay jokes. I like a good gay joke as much as the next, straight man that just so happens to be watching, but when you do it time after time, and make it the same joke, then it’s just annoying and seems like you may need a bit of help when it comes to being fresh or original. Whether you choose one or the other, this flick is neither.

The same thing you say about Swardson, could be said about everybody else in this freakin’ flick, especially Cedric the Entertainer, who really seems like he needs a stand-up comedy gig, and soon as well. Actually, everybody who shows up, at least tries and barely (I do repeat, BARELY) got a few chuckles out of me, but they are basically the whole backbone to this movie and are simply there to save it. However, saving this movie, is just something they cannot do when they are given this terrible of a script. It’s a shame too, because you have a lot of talented people here that seem like they were once at the top of their game and in ways, still are, but just don’t have any clue what to do here when it comes to being caricatures. And even if they have been caricatures before, then let me just say that these are not good caricatures that you can laugh at. You more or less want them to just go away and not come back to the flick and yet, they continue to show-up. I guess Wayans just didn’t know when to stop, in terms of script and the characters.

Oh, sweet, sweet memories of Pulp Fiction. And even worse, they fucking reference that movie in this!! What the fuck?!?!?
Oh, sweet, sweet memories of Pulp Fiction. And even worse, they fucking reference that movie in this!! What the fuck?!?!?

Even Wayans himself is oddly annoying and throughout the whole movie I just kept thinking to myself, “Wasn’t this guy freakin’ amazing as the druggie from Requiem for a Dream?!? Holy Shit! He was!!”. Now, obviously some people would probably argue with me and say otherwise, but you can’t lie, he was good in that movie and he was pretty good at comedy back in his hey-day, but now, he just seems like the old guy that can’t get rid of the same punch-lines he’s used before. He’s like that old cook who’s going through Alzheimer’s and doesn’t realize that everybody’s giving him pity laughs, when he tells a joke, because it’s the same one he’s been using for the past 10 years. Now Wayans is only 40, but it still seems like he is way far back in his head and in the game to be making jokes, let alone to be acting like a little teenager again, as if he just snuck-out with mommies car. It may be a tad weird saying this, but; I think Wayans is way past his prime and should just hang-up the mic before he gets way, way into over his head. Sort of like Eddie Murphy before him. Heck, wasn’t this guy supposed to play Richard Pryor!??! Hell to the no on that shizz-nit!

Consensus: A Haunted House will probably have any bored and sexually-frustrated thirteen-year-old, crapping his pants at what’s on-display, but if you’re a person who wants more than just fart, poop, ball, dick, sex, gay, and racist jokes, then you may shit out of luck here and don’t worry, Scary Movie 5 is on it’s way soon! Woo-hoo!

2 / 10 = Crapola!!

I guess they got a chance to see the final-product.
I guess they got a chance to see the final-product.


  1. LOL. Kind of playing hooky from reviewing this weekend, cause I have other stuff going on… And I don’t read reviews til I can do my own.

    But I was like, let’s just take a peek at the score and see if it sucked as much as I thought.

    LOL, that’s a big “Yup!” Huh? 😀 Craaaaapppola!

      • Swinging back now… you’re 100% right here. This movie totally sucks, completely unfunny.

        I feel sorry for you that you watched it with a bunch of laughing people. Thats the ultimate torture. KNowing that it sucks, but seeing everyone laughing like its the best thing ever. Ugh.

        Crappola is right sir! Good review.

  2. Not surprised at all that this movie stinks. The laughs looked even lower brow than the ones in the Scary Movie franchise, and that stopped being relevant/funny years ago. Speaking of which can you believe we’re getting another one of those this year in addition to this crap? It’s funny that Nick Swardson’s character is gay because I did an interview with Nick Swardson a couple of years ago and he was lamenting that he seems to play a lot of gay characters. He’s not helping his case much, but I suppose he can be really funny in those roles. Wasn’t planning on seeing this before and definitely don’t plan on it now after reading your review.

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