Paranoia (2013)


Technology is taking over everything! Be ready, Wall Street!

Young, ambitious Adam (Liam Hemsworth) dreams for something big. Actually, a hell of a lot bigger than his job at a tech firm run by the powerful, but awfully snobby Nicholas Wyatt (Gary Oldman). Adam thinks he deserves so much that when he has to present a new product his team of co-workers have been testing out, that when it doesn’t seem to please Wyatt or the rest of his squad, Adam loses a little bit of self-control and blurts out a snobby comment. Obviously no boss would take this off of any disgruntled employee, especially not Nicholas Wyatt. So therefore, Adam and the rest of his crew gets fired and decide to go to a very high-priced club, party it up, and get whatever it is that they want, all on the corporate credit card. You know, the one meant for “work”? Well, once Adam wakes up, after he has a forgettable (literally) one-night stand with the beautiful Emma (Amber Heard), he gets a demand from Wyatt, who tells him he can either go and rot in jail for the crime he’s committed, or he can do pull off a sneaky stunt where he would go over to the rival company (lead by Harrison Ford), charm everyone, and then steal a prototype smartphone that the company is working on. Sounds easy, but when the stakes are this high and the risk is a lot greater than the reward: Nothing’s ever easy.

No clue why the hell I went so in-depth with that plot-synopsis, but I guess I needed to find something even remotely interesting to type about this movie. Seriously, just by watching the first ten minutes of this movie, you can tell how everything is going to happen, why, where, when, and to what people. It’s all so obvious, conventional, predictable, and cliché, and offers barely anything redeeming about itself that’s worth watching. Whether or not that’s the cast’s or the script’s problem is totally left in the clouds, but let’s just get to the root of the problem here, shall we?

"I got you off my plane 16 years ago, don't think I won't hesitate to do it again!"
“I got you off my plane 16 years ago, don’t think I won’t hesitate to do it again!”

Director Robert Luketic, despite charming me a tad bit with 21, is back on his terrible-streak of movies, and it only seems to be getting worse. Something about the way in which Luketic directs this material not only keeps it away from sizzling, but never allows to amount to anything other than just another huge piece of blandness. You’ve seen it all before, and there’s nothing at all new or cool to see here. Just the typical crap you expect from these two-bit thrillers. It saddens me to say this too, because I don’t know why half of the talent that got involved, got involved with this because the twists and turns that this movie throws at us (way too many to be exact), are not predictable right from the start, but are terribly idiotic as well.

Take for a terrible instance in one scene where Hemsworth’s character is being watched by a group of peeps, spying on him through surveillance who want to know all that he’s up. So therefore, they’ve ran-down his whole apartment with cameras, speakers, and all sorts of tidy gadgets that they need for this one, specific scene and no other time, in hopes that they will catch him in the act of doing something mischievous, like calling up somebody to ask for help or to do something else these bastards consider “bad”. I lost track of what was good and what was bad, but that didn’t matter because apparently the baddies were the goodies all along, or something. I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Anyway, where I was at with this scene is that you’d think that these people wouldn’t want Hemsworth to know that he’s being watched by them, right? Well, that’s a smart baddie would do, but these ones apparently aren’t. They call him, and start describing certain features about the way he’s dressed and he’s walking, giving him the idea that they see him and know what he’s up to. Obviously, feeling betrayed and “paranoid”, Hemsworth lashes-out on the apartment and rips everything down, wall-by-wall, piece-by-piece. Why the hell anybody would ever call up the targets they’re spying on, and giving away with their post, totally beats me. Then again though, the rest of this flick does too.

The only reason I talked about that scene in such particular description is because it’s the most memorable, among many other scenes, that were just as-stupid-as-day. But none of what I’m saying matters, because this movie has been released to the general-public, with some big names, just in hopes that people will run out to see it. I’m encouraging you now to not even bother with it, and buy a ticket for something else. Like Lee Daniels’ The Butler?!? Or, Elysium? Or hell, even Man of Steel?!? That’s still in theaters, right? Ehh, it doesn’t matter. All I’m saying is that nothing here in this movie is worth the price of admission, so please just stay away. It’s for your own good. Trust me.

I get it! He's really, really, super, ultra hot!
I get it! He’s really, really, super duper, ultra-magnificently hot!

But if there is anything, and I do repeat, ANYTHING worth seeing in this movie, it’s the very few scenes that Gary Oldman and Harrison Ford have together, as rival CEOs, who are both evil and snarky in their own, rich guy ways. Both are playing type, and are fine with what crap they’re given, but there’s one scene between the two where they just go at one another that’s so funny, so entertaining, and filled with so much energy and spirit, you have to wonder if it was even in the same script, for the same movie, or if they just improvised their assess off and decided to roll with it. I honestly have no clue, but all I do know is that that one scene, is probably the best and most memorable scene of the whole flick, and actually the only time I felt like I was watching a summer movie that was supposed to be considered “fun”.

And even though I do feel bad for those two, I can’t at all feel bad for Hemsworth because the dude’s just a brick-wall in this movie. He’s a terrible choice for this lead role, not just because he can’t act a single bit, but because he’s simply too good-looking. Weird complaint, I know, but the fact that he’s a total heart-throb for the tweeners that this is aimed for, only makes his performance a lot less bearable to sit through, especially since he’s constantly shirtless and in a towel about every 10 minutes. He looks good, I’ll give him that, but he’s dull, can’t act, and has a body that’s a little too chiseled and ripped for a dude who’s supposed to be considered “trash”, as well as a “hipster”. For a guy who knows plenty of hipsters, Liam Hemsworth being called one, almost made me want to punch the screen, but every hipster I know. Just because you wear somewhat tight-jeans, black-and-white shoes, and don’t make more than $50K a year, does not, not even a single bit, make you a hipster. I’ll just put it down on the line like that and leave it there. So screw you, Robert Luketic! You don’t know shit about the hipster-ways. You dick.

Consensus: Nothing in Paranoia, with the exception of maybe a scene or two between Oldman and Ford, is worth recommending to see. That’s all, folks.

1.5 / 10 = Crapola!!

"So since you're insanely hot, and I'm insanely hot, I guess we sort of have to bang, right?"
“So since you’re insanely hot, and I’m insanely hot, I guess we sort of have to bang, right?”

Photos Credit to: IMDBColliderJobloComingSoon.net

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31 comments

  1. Man, I’m glad this film bombed. It didn’t even make it into the top 10. I hope it puts Robert Luketic out of business because he fucking sucks. I think Liam Hemsworth is best in small doses like “The Hunger Games” and that’s it. Being Smiley Virus’ boyfriend isn’t great at all since her music is fucking crap.

  2. Yeah, I gave this 3/10 in my review because it wasn’t offensively bad, but man…this was pretty bad. I immediately had to palette cleanse with Duplicity, a much better corporate espionage movie.

  3. Yeah, I gave this a 3/10 on my review on The BackLOG because it wasn’t OFFENSIVELY bad…but man this was bad. I immediately had to palette cleanse with Duplicity, a much better corporate espionage movie.

  4. I don’t usually read your blog (even though I’m subscribed and get emailed each review) because your grammar is shocking and you ramble and you always discuss the same things, in order, especially the director and the actors, but never the cinematography or soundtrack. It makes me think you don’t have any right to be listened to, and I’m certain you have zero film qualifications. Not saying you need qualifications to have an opinion, but if you got to the point more often and hired an editor, I think I would be more interested in reading your thoroughly active blog.

    So in summary: learn to write.

    • Well thank you for your words. I apologize if I don’t live up to your area of expertise when it comes to film criticism, but I’ll make sure to keep that in mind next time I write a review. If you would like, you could e-mail to discuss this more, but if not, then just unsubscribe so I don’t have to bother you with my ramblings, or shocking grammar. That’s just how I write, I apologize if you don’t like it, but that’s what you get.

  5. Okay, I’m a longtime Harrison Ford fan, so I WAS planning to see this. Was.

    As for Liam Hemsworth, yep, he’s definitely good-looking. Looks like his brother Thor. Thor’s other brother. The one who’s not Loki…oh, it’s too early in the morning for this….

  6. This looks crap even from the trailer. I’m kinda glad that this didn’t do well though, seems that Hollywood wants to make a star out of Liam Hemsworth again, but heck, it didn’t work for Ryan Reynolds before, what makes them think it’ll work for THIS guy? Just ’cause his brother is Thor, ahah. Btw, that caption on Harrison and Gary’s pic is hilarious! 😀

    • Thanks! Liam Hemsworth is just too good-looking and freaking tall to be taken seriously in anything he does. Seems like a weird problem, I know, but you just can’t help but stare at him when he’s in a scene, and be totally distracted.

      • Ahah, well I don’t think his looks or height has much to do with it, I mean he could still be a good actor w/ that look, but he just isn’t charismatic. Some actors can’t escape their look and he strikes me as someone who wants to be know for it instead of his talents (if he has any that is), that’s just my impression anyway.

      • Totally agree with you. And it may work for his teenie-bopper fan base, at least for a couple of years. That is, until he hits the big 3-0, and then it may all go downhill from there for him.

  7. great review dude, this movie was just disgustingly bad. i’m constantly rethinking the 2/8 i gave it. it might be a 1 the more i think of it. i can’t believe how boring it was, furthermore I honestly can’t understand why these actors would agree to this script. they can’t be THIS desperate for an extra couple mil. . . .

  8. I liked how they filmed in and around the Comcast Center. And by “liked” I mean “why the hell did they not bother to keep the building’s name out of the movie, making it obvious that it’s not a building found in NYC.”

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