I, Frankenstein (2014)


A dash of Herman Munster would have went a long, long way.

200 years after being created, the monster of Dr. Frankenstein (Aaron Eckhart) is left to roam the world, all by his lonesome. It doesn’t help matters that he actually killed his creator’s wife, but hey, so be it. She had it coming to her I guess, right? Anyway, in the present day, the monster is found to be walking all throughout the world, where he will most likely live the last days of his life unhappy, pissed-off and always looking over his shoulder, just in case some sneaky, little demon thinks about trying something on him. One night, this does in fact happen, and the monster gets taken in as a part of the Gargoyle’s squad (lead by Miranda Otto); which is when he begins to be referred to as “Adam”. Still though, there is a catch to Adam getting recruited for this team: The Gargoyles themselves have been battling the demons (lead by Bill Nighy) for what seems like decades, and they want to put a stop to this now, all before the demons decide to expand their army through some tricky science.

I really did have a problem writing that plot up there and I’m absolutely positive that I didn’t get all of the right details in there. If you have a problem with that, then I’m sorry for you. Why? Well, because you shouldn’t care at all about this movie.

May I please have some ice with that six-pack, sire?
May I please have some ice with that six-pack, sire?

Okay, maybe that’s a bit too harsh; maybe you just shouldn’t care about what this movie is trying to do or even sets-up. All you have to do is watch the pretty light-show that the special-effects team has clearly put-on for us, and hope that it all works out for the best for you and for anybody else who you may be subjected to watching this with. That’s as much credit as I can give to this movie because, with the exception of a few fighting-sequences where the things light-up, blow-up and beat the shit out of one another, there’s not really much here that’s worth seeing. Most of that comes down to the poor quality of the movie itself, as well as the overall-tone, but mainly, it all just comes down to the simple question all movies should ask:

“Who is this made for?”

Because here’s the thing: If you’ve seen any bit of advertisement for this movie, you’ll know that it’s so clearly been given the “From the Producers of Underworld” tag-line, as if those are the movies you all need to see, just to ensure yourself that you’ll: a) have a good time with this; b) understand all of the mythological lore; and c) be somewhat indulgent and throw away your money towards this. For me, it didn’t work as I somehow, through someway, got in to see this for free, but it wasn’t worth it, people. The problem with this movie doesn’t stem from the fact that it blows, but that nobody seemed to have any clue what they were making, or whom it was that this was for. Kids are the only demographic out there I think that this would be solid for, but then again, I think not; reason being that there’s too much dialogue filled to the brim with exposition, people yelling at one another and a whole bunch of mumbo-jumbo that literally feels like it’s being made up on the spot.

So with that said: Sorry kiddies. Go home, and go check out Kate Beckinsale in leather as much as you can. It’s very much worth the experience. More so than this piece of junk.

And I know that I am sort of avoiding getting down to what makes this film so bad and so utterly useless, but there’s really not much else I can that hasn’t already been said, or wouldn’t be like any other “bad movie” made in the past five years or so. For starters, the movie definitely doesn’t have a single funny-bone to be found in its body, despite being all about a bunch of demons, gargoyles and monsters beating the hell out of one another in the center of a present-day England. Because we all know, that with a premise like that, you need at least a little bit of “winks” and “nods” here and there to make the pill a bit easier to swallow, but nope, this movie plays it head-on, straight and sophisticated, as if it was trying to make a point about how all beings on this planet should be treated as equals. Or something like that. Yes, I am reaching, but I’m putting a lot more effort into making this something interesting to talk about, than this film ever bothered to do.

Then, you also come down to the sole fact that this movie just is not fun, and it shows on each and everybody’s faces. Save for a few scenes where, as I mentioned before, the special-effects team seemed to absolutely be high off of their rockers and let the budget run through their action scenes, this movie is a deadly snoozer, that not even this very talented cast can save. But when watching something like this, it makes you ponder: Who the hell has naked pictures of Aaron Eckhart with a whole group of other naked men on their phone? Seriously, because from where I’m sitting right now, it seems like Mr. Eckhart is on a streak right now of some really shitty movies and it doesn’t seem like it’s stopping.

Granted, Olympus Has Fallen wasn’t all that bad (then again, nothing is with the presence of Morgan Freeman around) but Battle: Los Angeles, some Taken rip-off known as Erased, and the Rum Diary!?!? Holy hell, where’s Neil Labute when you need him the most!?!? And that’s the biggest shame of watching a movie like this – you know that Eckhart is very talented and can do wonders with some meaty-material when it’s thrown his way, but this right here, gets hard to watch. The guy’s definitely in good-shape for the type of role that would demand it, but the whole time, he has this stern, yet angry expression placed on his face where it looks like somebody took a dump in lunch-box, or just accidentally side-swiped his Convertible. Whatever the stipulation may have been, either way, the guy consistently looks pissed and shows barely any other emotion except for angry, with a hint of confusion.

The infamous "o-face" of a gargoyle.
The infamous “o-face” of a gargoyle.

Which would be fine, but the story constantly keeps on shoving down our throats that this guy is not only some sort of “human”, but is also capable of human feelings like guilt, decision-making and having a conscience when necessary. Makes absolutely no sense and while Eckhart, given a way, WAY better and possibly, a whole different movie altogether, would have done absolute wonders with. However though, that’s not what we get, and instead, we’re subjected to seeing Eckhart slum it up big time, cash-in a paycheck and lose some adoration and love from those who care for him the most: His fans. And yes, that includes me.

Come on, Aaron! You’re better than this, you charming, butt-chinned bastard you!

Everything I say about Eckhart, can be said the same for everybody else in the cast, even though nobody here is really all that excellent to begin with. Bill Nighy tries and tries again as the mortal villain demon to Eckhart, and definitely loves chewing this scenery up with all the force in his will, but can’t seem to get past the fact that this movie doesn’t have the time, nor the mood for that type of play-time; Yvonne Strahovski is easy-on-the-eyes, but isn’t all that good of a performer, and any chance of believing that she and Adam would actually hook-up, is totally lost once you realize that they share no chemistry together, nor does the film itself really want them to; Jai Courtney shows himself, once again, to be a charismatic action hero-type dude, but also falls victim to a movie that just gives him crap to work with; and lastly, Miranda Otto is probably the only one who comes away making her performance work, even if everybody around her is constantly referring to her as “The Queen of the Gargoyles”. Yes, it’s goofy, but it seemed like nobody wanted to laugh. They just wanted their paychecks so that they could go on home, call their agent and hopefully look for better, far more interesting work to handle. Basically, anything other than this crap.

Consensus: Despite being loud, hectic and sometimes in awe of its countless creatures it has on display, I, Frankenstein is still clunky, unexciting and way too lifeless to ever get anybody excited, nor happy that they’ve wasted time out their precious day to give this a watch. It’s only an-hour-and-a-half though, folks, so if you find yourself stuck in this, fall asleep and wake up for the action.

2.5 / 10 = Crapola!!

The only way to have Aaron Eckhart re-think his career-options is by LITERALLY strapping him to a chair and forcing him to watch his past four movies.
The only way to have Aaron Eckhart re-think his career-options is by LITERALLY strapping him to a chair and forcing him to watch his past four movies. It’ll work. Trust me.

Photo’s Credit to: IMDBColliderJobloComingSoon.net

31 comments

  1. “The problem with this movie doesn’t stem from the fact that it blows,. . .” hahaha this line had me peeing in my pants. But I think it also sums up the film entirely, it just doesn’t look great to me. Your great review seems to confirm that. Can’t believe that not even a free movie pass makes it worth it. I shall avoid at all costs.

  2. I think you missed the point that this was suppose to an action/DRAMA. There weren’t suppose to be jokes, it was suppose to be as serious it turned out to be.
    I will admit that the movie got a bit dry in places, like in the character development department (that literally never happened), but the special effects were way awesome and the acting was good.
    BTW what’s with your whole, this movie is not for kids? I’m seventeen and I appreciated the movie just fine.
    I agree with you that “Adam” really never did express any other emotions besides a gruff anger, that got a bit tedious at some points.
    Overall, I’d rate the move at 7/10
    There was nothing wrong with it, just a bit boring.

  3. I just wanted to say that the poster of the gargoyle you posted, with the word “Good” behind it, well the splatter coming off of the gargoyle made me for the longest time read “Good” as “Goofy” (blur your eyes, you’ll see it) and I suspect that sums it up pretty well.

    • I think you’re right. Probably the only interesting thing going on about this movie, but hey, I guess you have to make that happen on your own, right?

  4. Thanks for the review. I will see it next year when it hits my library, no rush then. Glad I didn’t pay for a Tuesday half-price ticket. It “looked” promising though.

  5. Actually, the opening bit recaps the original story, and yes, the creature does kill Frankenstein’s wife only after the doctor promise to build a mate for the creature and then at the cusp of completion, destroys it instead. The creature killing the wife was in retaliation for that, and that’s the reason that Frankenstein goes after the creature that leads to his own death in the frozen wastes of the North. They do skip the part where the doctor relates his tale to the Captain of a ship stuck in the ice tho.
    The creature actually disappears into the cold night after that, never to be seen again.
    I’ve seen a lot of negative reviews for this movie which makes me wonder just what were people expecting of a movie like this (“from the producers of Underworld” so say the posters) coming out in the dead season? It was exactly what I expected it to be – pretty fun if you just go with it.

    • I wanted to have fun and a few times, I did. However, everything else surrounding it, was just way too bland, self-serious and utterly dry. I know I was supposed to expect that, but why would I? Just seems like I’d be expecting to have myself a boring time to begin with.

  6. Glad you agree about how awful this is. I cannot stand the fact that movies like this are being made in 2014. Absolutely no excuse. Mostly when it costs $65 million to make. No one got to shine in this poor as can be film. Sorry, I am frustrating the hell out of myself even ranting about this trash. Good review.

  7. so, I take it you didn’t like it, huh? lol

    I was actually looking forward to this, but the more reviews and stuff I see, the less I seem to think this is better suited for rental, if at all.

    now, when I actually see it, I may change my mind…lmao

  8. Great review yo, you just confirmed what I had already guessed months ago; that this film blows. I knew it was gonna suck and while I was willing to check it out if reviews said otherwise, the point is that they didn’t and I never cared enough about the Underworld series to see anything else reproduced in that same manner.

  9. Great review man! Haven’t caught this one yet, but have been hearing similar things. Disappointed in Eckhart because he should be above this kinda stuff, but guess he has to pay the bills too.

  10. I have yet to watch this film and my friends have urged me to go watch it with them, but after watching the previews and reading your review, I guess I’ll just wait for the download to see how terrible it is. Great review, Dan!

  11. My god this was a bad film. Does Adam have a hair stylist? Seriously, who cuts and styles his hair? This movie took itself waaaaay too seriously. If it hadn’t, it could have been fun. P.S. How do you collect tens of thousands of bodies over a couple of centuries and keep them from rotting to bits? Was that 1,000,000 square foot pit refrigerated?

  12. I have to say the moment I saw this trailer I thought it was going to be a dud. I am an English major and I was horrified that they were turning Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein into this! I still have not seen it and I am not going to, especially after your review proved I was correct in thinking it was going to be awful.

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