Stay loyal, fellas. No matter how hard it gets.
Five married men, who all share a loft that they casually take hot, younger women who aren’t their wives, back to to wine, dine and then bang, all stumble upon a huge surprise when they find a girl dead in their place. The blame game begins when it’s revealed that she was Vincent (Karl Urban)’s girl, although, once push comes to shove, the fingers begin pointing to Chris (James Marsden), who everybody believes had some sort of hand in this, whether he meant to or not. Either way though, all five of these dudes have no clue what to do and through the constant thinking, deciding and game-planning, they start to paint a broader portrait of what happened, who is responsible, and what the next best step is to do. They sure as hell know they don’t want to get any cops involved; because once they do, so do then their wives and subsequent families. Basically, it’s all up to these guys to figure things out, but once each other’s dirty laundry starts airing out, none of them may be able to make it out unscathed, married, or better yet, alive.
Since it wrapped up filming in 2011, the Loft has been on the release-bubble and it makes perfect sense. Not only is the movie pretty crummy, but the source material, that’s apparently adapted from a Belgian film of the same name, is very harsh and almost, dare I say it, offensive. Which isn’t to say that movies that offend others aren’t supposed to be made, they’re just supposed to be handled in a way that allows for all sides of the story to have their say and meaning when all is said and done. However, at the end of the day for the Loft, we have a bunch of sleazy, horned-up married-men who realize the costs they take when they start sleeping around, and yet, still go about it anyway because, well, I don’t know, really.
Bitches be cray?
Honestly, I couldn’t tell you, and I don’t think this movie can either. And that’s definitely it’s biggest problem; the cast of characters are strong, recognizable, and well-acted, but these characters are just so dirty and unlikable, that there’s a slight feeling that you not only want their wives to find out, but to also have them jailed so that they learn their lesson the hard way. Sounds a bit extreme and harsh, I know, but the way the character’s are written and made-out to be, it’s hard to think any other way.
Take, for instance, the character of Chris, played by the always charming James Marsden. Chris is, as you’d expect, a typical middle-aged husband – he’s bored, unsatisfied and chock full of hormones that are just waiting to be released in any sort of sexual manner possible. Problem is, his wife is a tad bit crazy and doesn’t give him all the pleasure he needs. It makes sense why he would want to go start banging whatever hot, young thing he can find next; it doesn’t make it right, but it at least serves some sort of purpose, rather than, “Hey, what can he say? He’s horny.”
So then, Chris does eventually finish the deed of having sex with someone who isn’t his wife, and automatically, we’re made to feel sorry for him. Not his wife who, understandably, is on the strange side and paranoid, to say the least, is getting cheated on, right behind her back. No, it’s Chris, the one dude who cheated, screwed around, and was upset to find out that the girl he had sex with was paid to do so in the first place, who is the one we’re made to feel sorry for.
Same goes for the character of Vincent, played by a stern, yet dull, Karl Urban. Vincent has a bit more back-story to him here that I won’t spoil for any of you possible viewers, but I’ll leave it at this – he’s easily the sleaziest, most despicable member of the group, and yet, we’re still supposed to feel some shred of sadness for when it comes close to blowing back in his face. In all honesty, I have no idea why we’re supposed to feel sorry for any of these guys at all, let alone Vincent or Chris; they all know what they’re getting themselves into, understand the rules, regulations, and circumstances, and yet, still go out, party, bang, snort, drink, and live it up as if they’re young, twenty-something swingers.
We’re not supposed to like them, but somebody forgot to tell the people behind this movie that.
But honestly, that’s just the tip of the iceberg with this movie, because while it’s hard to care for any of them, there is something of an interesting mystery at the center that works well for, I don’t know, the first-half or so. Once it’s revealed to us that these guys don’t have any clue what happened, who was behind it all, and what they’re supposed to do next, the movie keeps us in the dark as much as possible and it’s quite interesting. Once the flashbacks come into play and we’re given more light into these guys’ past, both together and apart, it becomes apparent that clearly somebody’s more of a “baddie” than the rest and that’s where it begins to lose some sort of focus. Because, honestly, they’re all baddies, but I guess just one is worse than the others.
However, the movie starts to go off the rails by the last-half, where we are constantly getting twist after twist thrown at us, without any of them ever landing or making much sense. One character is apparently something of a psycho that can’t help his sexual-tendencies, which makes him do evil, terrible things to those around him and none of it ever rings true. It almost seems like the director and writers got bored with whatever they were doing, didn’t want to wrap things up too quickly or nicely, so instead, added a serial-killer, for shits and gigs.
Cause, you know, nothing’s funner than a serial-killer who loves taking advantage of women.
Consensus: With unlikable characters that hardly shed any bit of sympathy, the Loft becomes an aimless, uninteresting study in people we don’t care about, and an even less-interesting murder-mystery that starts somewhere, but ends absolutely nowhere.
3 / 10 = Crapola!!