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Dan the Man's Movie Reviews

All my aimless thoughts, ideas, and ramblings, all packed into one site!

Daily Archives: May 26, 2017

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)

Come sail away and never come back. Seriously.

All of these years of screwing people over left and right has finally caught up with Capt. Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), who is now so down on his luck that he begins to feel the winds of ill-fortune blowing even more strongly than ever before. So when deadly ghost sailors led by his old nemesis, the evil Capt. Salazar (Javier Bardem), escape from the Devil’s Triangle, Jack is left to connect back with old friends and mates who will hopefully be able to get him out of this bind. But for Jack, his only hope of survival lies in seeking out the legendary Trident of Poseidon. However, it’s so hard to track down, he’ll have to strike up with some people who may know a thing or two of where it’s at, and just how the hell to get it. Enter Carina (Kaya Scodelario), a beautiful astronomer who uses her good-looks to her benefit, and Henry (Brenton Thwaites), a young lad apart of the British Navy who knows a thing or two about the high seas and the undead that will soon be hot on their tail. But it’s still Jack himself who can’t seem to get over the fact that all of this ill-will has finally come back to bite him in the rump.

These guys both have Oscars. Why are they here?

In all honesty, the first Pirates of the Caribbean is still, despite all of the bloated sequels to follow, a solid piece of entertainment. It’s fun, exciting, pretty funny, and oh yeah, features a top-notch ensemble of people who knew exactly what kind of material they were dealing with, and didn’t try too hard to really look for any deeper-meaning under the sea. It worked, not just making the franchise one of the most popular around, but reminded us that Johnny Depp, despite being a reliable name in the biz for a very long time prior, can carry a movie on his back.

Hell, people, the dude even got nominated for an Oscar. Literally. An Oscar. For a movie about a bunch of pirates and ghosts. What the hell?

But of course, time went by and the Pirates movies became irritating. They became longer, more overblown, and yeah, just dull. They could be fun, at times, but honestly, at nearly three hours, they all but worn out their welcome, even if people continued to pay to constantly see them. It’s sort of like the Transformers franchise in that it’s still popular, despite none of the movies really being all that good – people just like big, bloated and over-produced theater-rides and can’t help themselves but to get another.

And that’s why Dead Men Tell No Tales, while not terrible, or as awful as it should have been, should still be the final nail in the coffin for this already overlong franchise. After all, the fans of the original have probably stopped following just what Captain Jack and his matees are up to, not to mention that the reason for this franchise to continue on, doesn’t just seem ridiculous, but downright annoying. It’s a cash-cow for sure, but it’s the kind that doesn’t make any sense of its reason for existing – after awhile, it just gets sad to watch and makes you wonder, “What could have happened if they had just stopped after the first?”

Even you, Orlando!?!?

Well, there would have been quite a few people who wouldn’t have gotten filthy, stinkin’ rich, but who cares about all that?

Anyway, Dead Men Tell No Tales does have the occasional burst of action and excitement, but most of that has to do with an awe-inspiring set-piece that doesn’t contain pirate ships trying to blow each other up. There’s a bit with a guillotine early on that’s somewhat inventive, and hell, even by the end, there’s a bit that clearly rips-off the Bible, but hey, it’s neat to watch and takes full advantage of the 3D IMAX. But aside from those two bits, the rest of the movie is a bit of a blur.

It’s paced well, sure, but after awhile, it’s hard to ever really care just what’s going on, what has to be accomplished, and who may, or may not, come out of this alive. The characters try to still be charming and lovely, but even they feel like they’re just replacements, like Scodelario and Thwaites’ characters who, unfortunately, have to be related to other characters already apart of the franchise. While everyone in the cast is still fine and doing what they’re doing, it’s still hard not to feel like maybe, just perhaps, their efforts would be better suited elsewhere.

You know, like something that isn’t a freakin’ Pirates movie for gosh sakes.

Consensus: Even at two-hours-and-nine-minutes, Dead Men Tell No Tales still feels a bit long, with only bits and pieces of inspiration and excitement to be found, amongst another entry into an already overplayed franchise.

5 / 10

Okay, I can see why Johnny’s here. Which, by now, is just sad to admit.

Photos Courtesy of: Aceshowbiz

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