A dash of Herman Munster would have went a long, long way.
200 years after being created, the monster of Dr. Frankenstein (Aaron Eckhart) is left to roam the world, all by his lonesome. It doesn’t help matters that he actually killed his creator’s wife, but hey, so be it. She had it coming to her I guess, right? Anyway, in the present day, the monster is found to be walking all throughout the world, where he will most likely live the last days of his life unhappy, pissed-off and always looking over his shoulder, just in case some sneaky, little demon thinks about trying something on him. One night, this does in fact happen, and the monster gets taken in as a part of the Gargoyle’s squad (lead by Miranda Otto); which is when he begins to be referred to as “Adam”. Still though, there is a catch to Adam getting recruited for this team: The Gargoyles themselves have been battling the demons (lead by Bill Nighy) for what seems like decades, and they want to put a stop to this now, all before the demons decide to expand their army through some tricky science.
I really did have a problem writing that plot up there and I’m absolutely positive that I didn’t get all of the right details in there. If you have a problem with that, then I’m sorry for you. Why? Well, because you shouldn’t care at all about this movie.
May I please have some ice with that six-pack, sire?
Okay, maybe that’s a bit too harsh; maybe you just shouldn’t care about what this movie is trying to do or even sets-up. All you have to do is watch the pretty light-show that the special-effects team has clearly put-on for us, and hope that it all works out for the best for you and for anybody else who you may be subjected to watching this with. That’s as much credit as I can give to this movie because, with the exception of a few fighting-sequences where the things light-up, blow-up and beat the shit out of one another, there’s not really much here that’s worth seeing. Most of that comes down to the poor quality of the movie itself, as well as the overall-tone, but mainly, it all just comes down to the simple question all movies should ask:
“Who is this made for?”
Because here’s the thing: If you’ve seen any bit of advertisement for this movie, you’ll know that it’s so clearly been given the “From the Producers of Underworld” tag-line, as if those are the movies you all need to see, just to ensure yourself that you’ll: a) have a good time with this; b) understand all of the mythological lore; and c) be somewhat indulgent and throw away your money towards this. For me, it didn’t work as I somehow, through someway, got in to see this for free, but it wasn’t worth it, people. The problem with this movie doesn’t stem from the fact that it blows, but that nobody seemed to have any clue what they were making, or whom it was that this was for. Kids are the only demographic out there I think that this would be solid for, but then again, I think not; reason being that there’s too much dialogue filled to the brim with exposition, people yelling at one another and a whole bunch of mumbo-jumbo that literally feels like it’s being made up on the spot.
So with that said: Sorry kiddies. Go home, and go check out Kate Beckinsale in leather as much as you can. It’s very much worth the experience. More so than this piece of junk.
And I know that I am sort of avoiding getting down to what makes this film so bad and so utterly useless, but there’s really not much else I can that hasn’t already been said, or wouldn’t be like any other “bad movie” made in the past five years or so. For starters, the movie definitely doesn’t have a single funny-bone to be found in its body, despite being all about a bunch of demons, gargoyles and monsters beating the hell out of one another in the center of a present-day England. Because we all know, that with a premise like that, you need at least a little bit of “winks” and “nods” here and there to make the pill a bit easier to swallow, but nope, this movie plays it head-on, straight and sophisticated, as if it was trying to make a point about how all beings on this planet should be treated as equals. Or something like that. Yes, I am reaching, but I’m putting a lot more effort into making this something interesting to talk about, than this film ever bothered to do.
Then, you also come down to the sole fact that this movie just is not fun, and it shows on each and everybody’s faces. Save for a few scenes where, as I mentioned before, the special-effects team seemed to absolutely be high off of their rockers and let the budget run through their action scenes, this movie is a deadly snoozer, that not even this very talented cast can save. But when watching something like this, it makes you ponder: Who the hell has naked pictures of Aaron Eckhart with a whole group of other naked men on their phone? Seriously, because from where I’m sitting right now, it seems like Mr. Eckhart is on a streak right now of some really shitty movies and it doesn’t seem like it’s stopping.
Granted, Olympus Has Fallen wasn’t all that bad (then again, nothing is with the presence of Morgan Freeman around) but Battle: Los Angeles, some Taken rip-off known as Erased, and the Rum Diary!?!? Holy hell, where’s Neil Labute when you need him the most!?!? And that’s the biggest shame of watching a movie like this – you know that Eckhart is very talented and can do wonders with some meaty-material when it’s thrown his way, but this right here, gets hard to watch. The guy’s definitely in good-shape for the type of role that would demand it, but the whole time, he has this stern, yet angry expression placed on his face where it looks like somebody took a dump in lunch-box, or just accidentally side-swiped his Convertible. Whatever the stipulation may have been, either way, the guy consistently looks pissed and shows barely any other emotion except for angry, with a hint of confusion.
The infamous “o-face” of a gargoyle.
Which would be fine, but the story constantly keeps on shoving down our throats that this guy is not only some sort of “human”, but is also capable of human feelings like guilt, decision-making and having a conscience when necessary. Makes absolutely no sense and while Eckhart, given a way, WAY better and possibly, a whole different movie altogether, would have done absolute wonders with. However though, that’s not what we get, and instead, we’re subjected to seeing Eckhart slum it up big time, cash-in a paycheck and lose some adoration and love from those who care for him the most: His fans. And yes, that includes me.
Come on, Aaron! You’re better than this, you charming, butt-chinned bastard you!
Everything I say about Eckhart, can be said the same for everybody else in the cast, even though nobody here is really all that excellent to begin with. Bill Nighy tries and tries again as the mortal villain demon to Eckhart, and definitely loves chewing this scenery up with all the force in his will, but can’t seem to get past the fact that this movie doesn’t have the time, nor the mood for that type of play-time; Yvonne Strahovski is easy-on-the-eyes, but isn’t all that good of a performer, and any chance of believing that she and Adam would actually hook-up, is totally lost once you realize that they share no chemistry together, nor does the film itself really want them to; Jai Courtney shows himself, once again, to be a charismatic action hero-type dude, but also falls victim to a movie that just gives him crap to work with; and lastly, Miranda Otto is probably the only one who comes away making her performance work, even if everybody around her is constantly referring to her as “The Queen of the Gargoyles”. Yes, it’s goofy, but it seemed like nobody wanted to laugh. They just wanted their paychecks so that they could go on home, call their agent and hopefully look for better, far more interesting work to handle. Basically, anything other than this crap.
Consensus: Despite being loud, hectic and sometimes in awe of its countless creatures it has on display, I, Frankenstein is still clunky, unexciting and way too lifeless to ever get anybody excited, nor happy that they’ve wasted time out their precious day to give this a watch. It’s only an-hour-and-a-half though, folks, so if you find yourself stuck in this, fall asleep and wake up for the action.
2.5 / 10 = Crapola!!
The only way to have Aaron Eckhart re-think his career-options is by LITERALLY strapping him to a chair and forcing him to watch his past four movies. It’ll work. Trust me.
Photo’s Credit to: IMDB, Collider, Joblo, ComingSoon.net